Math Jokes

[SethEden]

I ran across this long list of math jokes whilest looking for an old math joke I remembered from my first year in college.

I won't post them all at once cause there are LOTS! Just a few at a time and see how far this thread goes.

Three men, a physican, a engineer and a computer scientist, are travelling in a car. Suddenly, the car starts to smoke and stops. The three atonished men try to solve the problem:

- Physican says: This is obviously a classic problem of torque. It has been overloaded the elasticity limit of the main axis.

- Engineer says : Let's be serious! The matter is that it has been burned the spark of the connecting rod to the dynamo of the radiator. I can easily repair it by hammering.

- Computer scientist says : What if we get off the car, wait a minute, and then get in and try again?

 

[SethEden]

Logician:
Hypothesis: All odd numbers are prime Proof:

1) If a proof exists, then the hypothesis must be true

2) The proof exists; you're reading it now.

From 1 and 2 follows that all odd numbers are prime

 

[Andy44]

Logician:
Hypothesis: All odd numbers are prime Proof:

1) If a proof exists, then the hypothesis must be true

2) The proof exists; you're reading it now.

From 1 and 2 follows that all odd numbers are prime

 

[SethEden]

Logic is a systematic method for getting the wrong conclusion...with confidence.

Surely _statistics_ is a systematic method for getting the wrong conclusion...with 95% confidence.

Mathematics is the systematic misuse of a nomenclature developed for that specific purpose.

 

[Urwumpe]

An engineer, a computer scientist, a general mathematician and a topologist (a mathematician dealing with very special geometric problems) are locked inside a room for a month with only tins of roast beef, but no tools to open them. After the month, they unlock the doors.

In the room of the engineer, they see a few short formulas on the wall, and all tins had been opened in a precise and clean way. The engineer is healthy, fat and lazy, but can't see any roast beef anymore.

In the room of the computer scientist, all walls, floor and ceiling are covered with long and obscure formulas and texts. The tins had been opened by brute force and metal shrapnel covers the scene. The computer scientist is fat and lazy, but suffers from a really bad cold turkey by the lack of caffeine.

When they open the room of the mathematician, the walls are all covered with formulas again, but in one corner are the remains of the dead mathematician. In front of him the line "Let's assume, the tins are opened..."

Finally, they unlock the room of the topologist. The walls are covered with drawings, formulas and numbers, but no topologist is in the room. All tins had been stacked in the center of the room into a careful pyramid. When they moved closer to examine the stacked tins, they hear a silent knocking noise and the silent curse:

"DAMN, I used the wrong sign!"

 

[SethEden]

LOL That's a good one Dennis!

The four branches of arithmetic - ambition, distraction, uglification and derision. (Lewis Caroll: "Alice in Wonderland")

The first law of Engineering Mathematics: All infinite series converge, and moreover converge to the first term.

Patageometry, n.:
The study of those mathematical properties that are invariant under brain transplants.

Seth

 

[Andy44]

Q: What is the difference between a Ph.D. in mathematics and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four...

I like this one, too:

Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x].

 

[SethEden]

I like the phone # Andy, that's the best one I've heard in a good long time!

A team of engineers were required to measure the height of a flag pole. They only had a measuring tape, and were getting quite frustrated trying to keep the tape along the pole. It kept falling down, etc.

A mathematician comes along, finds out their problem, and proceeds to remove the pole from the ground and measure it easily.

When he leaves, one engineer says to the other: "Just like a mathematician! We need to know the height, and he gives us the length!"

----------

A function and a differentiation operator meet somewhere in Hilbert space.

The differentation operator: Make place or I differentiate you.

Function: Forget it buster, I am e^x.

The differentation operator: Well, I am d/dy.


Seth

 

[Urwumpe]

Ouch. d/dy and d/dz... the natural enemies of math students and e^x.

Though nothing beats the nastyness of nabla.

What does a mathematician do on a Saturday night? He goes to bed with two unknowns.

 

[Missioncmdr]

There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those that do not.

OR

There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who get laid.

5 out of 4 people cannot understand fractions.

Why do mathematicians often confuse Christmas and Halloween?
Because Oct 31 = Dec 25.

Two men are sitting in the basket of a balloon. For hours, they have been drifting through a thick layer of clouds, and they have lost orientation completely. Suddenly, the clouds part, and the two men see the top of a mountain with a man standing on it.
"Hey! Can you tell us where we are?!"
The man doesn't reply. The minutes pass as the balloon drifts past the mountain. When the balloon is about to be swallowed again by the clouds, the man on the mountain shouts: "You're in a balloon!"
"That must have been a mathematician."
"Why?"
"He thought long and thoroughly about what to say. What he eventually said was irrefutably correct. And it was of no use whatsoever..."

Do you already know the latest stats joke?
Probably...

"The number you have dialed is imaginary. Please, rotate your phone by 90 degrees and try again..."

 

[SethEden]

Good All Around!

Loved the Balloon joke, that was really great!

In the bayous of Louisiana, there is a small river called the Dirac. Many wealthy people have their mansions near its mouth. One of the social leaders decided to have a grand ball. Being a cousin of the Governor, she arranged for a detachment of the state militia to serve as guards and traffic directors for the big doings. A captain was sent over with a small company; naturally he asked if there was enough room for him and his unit. The social leader replied, "But of course, Captain! It is well known that the Dirac delta function has unit area."

------

"The reason that every major university maintains a department of mathematics is that it is cheaper to do this than to institutionalize all those people."

Seth
www.SethEden.com

 

[agentgonzo]

 

[SethEden]

First of all let me make it clear that I have nothing against contravariant functors.

Some of my best friends are cohomology theories! But now you aren't supposed to call them contravariant anymore.

It's Algebraically Correct to call them 'differently arrowed'!!

In the same way that transcendental numbers are polynomially challenged?

Manifolds are personifolds (humanifolds).

Neighborhoods are neighbor victims of society.

It's the Asian Remainder Theorem.

It isn't PC to use "singularity" - the function is "convergently challenged" there.

~Seth

 

[agentgonzo]

Q: What do you get if you take the contour integral around western Europe?

A: Zero. All the poles are in eastern Europe

 

[golden_eye]

Anyone familiar with xkcd will recognize this one:

 

[Bj]

There are three kinds of mathematicians:
those who can count and those who can't.

There are two groups of people in the world;
those who believe that the world can be
divided into two groups of people,
and those who don't.

Two men are sitting in the basket of a balloon. For hours, they have been drifting through a thick layer of clouds, and they have lost orientation completely. Suddenly, the clouds part, and the two men see the top of a mountain with a man standing on it.
"Hey! Can you tell us where we are?!"
The man doesn't reply. The minutes pass as the balloon drifts past the mountain. When the balloon is about to be swallowed again by the clouds, the man on the mountain shouts: "You're in a balloon!"
"That must have been a mathematician."
"Why?"
"He thought long and thoroughly about what to say. What he eventually said was irrefutably correct. And it was of no use whatsoever..."

This is what I am always thinking about math class... :rofl:

 

[Missioncmdr]

Two mathematicians are in a bar. The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic math. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math. The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the waitress. He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he will call her over and ask her a question; all she has to do is answer, "One third x cubed." She agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself. The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his point. He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral, and the first laughingly agrees. The second man calls over the waitress and asks, "What is the integral of x squared?" The waitress says, "One third x cubed." Then, while walking away, she turns back and says, "Plus a constant!"

A few days ago, I would not have gotten that joke. Who would have thought learning something in Calculus class would help me get a joke?

 

[pilotpercy]

a chemist and a mathmatition are staying at a hotel but they have to share a room. there both downstairs in the lobby having a drink and a chat. the mathmatition decides to call it a night and goes to bed, whereas the chemist tries his luck with a group of air hostesses. he fails and so decided to go to bed. when he gets to the room, the door and some of the corridor are on fire. he looks round to find a fire extinguisher and puts out the fire and goes in to tell his friend the mathmatition about it. after he has finished his story the mathmatition says that he saw the fire to and he also saw the fire extinguisher so a solution was ovbious and didnt need to be solved.

 

[Scarecrow]

Logician:
Hypothesis: All odd numbers are prime Proof:

1) If a proof exists, then the hypothesis must be true

2) The proof exists; you're reading it now.

From 1 and 2 follows that all odd numbers are prime

Allow me to one up you: As a physicist, I shall prove that all numbers are prime:

1 is practically prime. 2 is prime. 3 is prime. 4 is not prime, but 5 is prime. Therefore, all numbers are prime, and 4 is just experimental error.

---------------------------------------------------

Once upon a time, there was an aerospace company, and they wanted to hire some new people to work on a space-plane project. However, they wanted to make sure they were getting real engineers, and not just mathematicians out of work. So in addition to the usual stuff, they set up a little test. The applicant first walks into a room, which is completely empty except for a desk, a chair, and a sugar bowl, spoon, and mug of hot coffee on the desk. The applicant is now told to sugar the coffee. Usually, everybody would simply take the spoon, dip it in the sugar, and dump some in the coffee.

Then the applicant is lead to a second room, identical to the first, except that the spoon is sitting on the chair. Again, the applicant is told to sugar the coffee. If the applicant takes the spoon, dips it in the sugar, and dumps some in the coffee, they are determined to be an Engineer. However, they are immediately revealed as a mathematician if they move the spoon from the chair to the desk and say that they've now reduced it to a problem previously solved.

 

[agentgonzo]

Allow me to one up you: As a physicist, I shall prove that all numbers are prime:

1 is practically prime. 2 is prime. 3 is prime. 4 is not prime, but 5 is prime. Therefore, all numbers are prime, and 4 is just experimental error.

An engineer proving that all odd numbers are prime:
3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Therefore all odd numbers are prime

A computer scientist proving that all odd numbers are prime:
3 is prime, 3 is prime, 3 is prime, 3 is prime, 3 is prime...